Who Am I (as a Romantic Partner)?

My focus used to be about building “self-confidence” and “self-love.” I got it down pretty well, but factor in another person and I lost myself. I had to take breaks to find myself again.

I knew I had to figure who I am in a romantic relationship sooner or later especially with the goals I set for myself this year. I didn’t succeed in 3 months of online dating (12 first dates, 2 second dates, 1 third date, and being ghosted). I’ve always acted as an agreeable and cheery person, putting on a facade so that, when I was rejected, it was because they didn’t know the “real me.”

Lately, I’ve had hard feelings, hard conversations, and I’m learning more about myself and how I see the world.

Most of this is done with one person, transitioning our relationship and gaining a better understanding of the person as well as myself.

I’m trying not to shut down when I feel vulnerable. I can’t assume people can’t handle who I am if I don’t allow them to see me (gathered from Maddy’s podcast!). Side note: Maddy lives in Boulder! What a coincidence!


Whatever may come of this, I’m reflecting and learning. I can’t say it’s all me – it’s this stranger person who I felt a unknowingly felt a connection with. Let’s say the law of attraction played a part because I really don’t know how else to explain the energy and connection I felt when I was plastered last year and when almost a year later, I heard his name, took it as a sign, and took a leap of faith.


I was out of town once again this weekend but not to far. I drove north 2 hours to visit my friend Jordan.


We hiked the Santa Paula Punch Bowls, somehow losing the obvious trail, crossing the river multiple times, and scrambling on rocks.


We hit up our favorite spot in Ojai (Chief’s Peak) and then napped before going out to downtown Ventura in the evening.

I slept in and woke up to French press coffee, blueberry pancakes made with handpicked berries, and bacon. I have the best friends!


I took my time getting home, stopping at Wildwood Regional Park to think and journal.


I reminded myself of my worth, the things I’m good at (showing gratitude). I thought of what I could work on in relationships, including asking one of these questions a day to better understand people.

Like wildflowers; you must allow yourself to grow in all the places people you thought you never would.


My weekend ended with a great coincidence! Hey law of attraction! I considered going to Bluestone Lane on my way north but didn’t. Before I left for home, I saw an offer for free $15 via Instagram and was able to nab a free cold brew and avocado toast!


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