On My Spontaneity & Self-Doubts

My friends will tell you I’m spontaneous.

I will tell you it’s all a facade. I do a lot of planning and in the case that I am spontaneous, I make rash decisions.

I haven’t often regretted my rash decisions, but I have many moments of self-doubt.

(Forewarning: I’m a highly emotional person. I took the Big Five test and apparently my emotional volatility is high.)

I have self-doubt regarding the last crazy decision I made: a trip to Denver to see someone. No, not a friend. I’m making this trip to see someone I’ve hung out with a total of 2 days, once very drunk in August and once not-drunk-at-all ~~last~~ beginning of the month.

It’s a bit crazy that we’ve talked via text, Snapchat, e-mail, or long phone calls everyday for 20+ days. It’s a storm that’s overtaken my life in a relatively positive way… till this weekend, the weekend before I embark to Denver.

*This app is actually wrong… it’s 4 days away.

So while the last couple of weeks have kept me busy and I’ve felt confident in myself and our little bond, the moments alone have me in my head.

Me in my glory last week:

I had a weekend packed with events: Eat Drink Vegan where I practiced yoga while drinking rosé and ate zero vegan food but did drink samples of beer.

I was surrounded by people but by myself at the event.

And while I kept busy on Sunday (hot yoga, local modern art festival, brunch with a friend, and visiting family), I had too much time being still and alone.

As an ENFJ, it’s not uncommon for me to want to be around people, but I also love the “me time.” I was comfortable taking long trips on my own (for 11 days to the Pacific Northwest). Lately, loneliness has become difficult. It’s time to work on it and I have a solo Yosemite trip to do that.

See, I’m not spontaneous. My trips are planned ahead of time with a few sprinklings of rash decisions that make me anxious at the last minute.

So I leave you with this (as my friends consoled me):